Mom was super furious of the facts that I:
- …woke up late so I skipped fasting today. I’ve promised her last night. Sighs.
- …haven’t shown any progress with my skripsi. Not to mention that I didn’t do anything last week
- …prioritize my job over my studies.
I understand. She has rights to get all mad to me. I’m the one who messed up. Sighs.
My time management always messes up. Especially if I don’t write down my daily schedule. It’s really hard for me to stick to my plan inside my head. I need to write it down.
And then, regarding my emotional control.
I like working at night. I’m pretty much a night owl. But then again, when the night comes, I’d become super emotional and I’d be super sensitive and then I can’t work because I’d busy crying my heart out and then get tired and then I’d just stare at nothing blankly.
That’s why: time management.
Maybe I need to manage my daily schedule like this:
- 08.00 – 12.00 AM: skripsi
- 01.00 – 05.00 PM: menjahit, or any physical jobs that doesn’t need much thinking
- 08.00 – 12.00 PM: writing stories because I need me being super sensitive
But then again, I don’t know if I could stick to that plan. It sounds ridiculously… make sense for me.
Is he really dead? I often question myself.
Been living away from your parent(s) for about five years might’ve caused confusion. There would be days when Dad didn’t call me. And those were the days before he passed away.
Sometimes I think he is alive. He would be working out of the town as always, he weren’t home as always, so when I come home and he wasn’t there, I wouldn’t be surprised.
But then I remember, he’d never done that. He would come home when I come home, or he would ask me to fly to Banjarmasin and then we would meet up in his work place before we went home in East Kalimantan.
But then again, it wouldn’t happen anymore.
February was the last time I saw him eyes to eyes, alive and breathing. When I arrived at the ICU back on April 17th, I couldn’t get in to the Icu. And when I come to the ICU tomorrow morning, he was lying on the bed, eyes were closed, and his breath was shallow. He was helpless. Later that day, the doctor put ventilator in him and he went to his first cardiac arrest.
Crabby patty, my hands are trembling. I cried few minutes ago so this is not going to be very funny if I cry again.
Oh, January 26th. It’s coming soon. My birthday, also the first day I saw him lying on the bed home with oxygen tank next to him. My birthday has never been special, and I think starting next year, it would become a not-so-good reminder of Dad’s condition.
I think I’m in the middle of this situation where I think that my life is—I am a mess. I’m already in my sixth year of college (on 11th semester), leaving my skripsi behind for about a year and half already and my jobs are also a mess—I like my jobs as an indie craft artist and a freelance translator but at the same time I think I don’t really put so much effort on doing so. Sometimes I become all jobless for two weeks but then suddenly I don’t even have time to eat in four days straight.
One of my friends called me last night; we were talking about scholarship (a.k.a LPDP and shits). She is one of those people who want to pursue their studies with that scholarship. AFAIK, she wants to become a lecturer. I admire that side of her because I’m not that kind of person. I always describe myself as someone who is not “academically smart”. Even though I know if I want to do it, I could do it (but don’t you think this applies for everyone?). Continue reading
It sucks. It’s super suck to find out that one of your Dad’s friends also passed away, exactly 210 days after your own father’s death.
He just called me last July, asking me to send him a copy of Dad’s death certificate. I don’t know what he wanted to do with it. Maybe he wanted to do something related to the company-whatsoever I heard they built together along with one other friend in the early 2015.
I just don’t know.
I haven’t got a chance to have “friendly talk” with him. Mom kept asking me to call Dad’s friends from time to time. But you know what, I suck at maintaining my relationship with human. Praise goes to Dad who was so quiet and calm back when he was alive but, God, he had so many friends around him because he was able to maintain his relationship with them. He was in good terms with most of his friends.
Me? I can’t. That’s why I feel like I have a very big responsibility here.
It sucks. Death news always sucks. I develop this new sensitivity where I would weep and shriek when I watch death scene in dramas or movies. My own father’s death changes one part of me and it super sucks.
Mom called one of Dad’s old friends. Apparently this one friend of Dad who just passed away was suffering because of heart disease. It was a heart attack. He was rushed to the ICU, just like Dad, waiting for room to be available, but then he just gone. We were waiting for Dad’s surgery, but then he went under cardiac arrest and he is gone.
Sucks. It’s super suck.
Lokasi: Desa Bangsring & Pulau Tabuhan, Banyuwangi. Ditulis Senin, 27 Oktober 2014.
Sekarang pukul 10.10 PM dan sebenarnya lelahku belum benar-benar hilang. Walau begitu, aku ‘keluyuran’ di lokasi demonstrasi jalur satu arah hari ini sembari mengambil foto dan berbincang dengan polisi serta beberapa warga. Aku bukan jurnalis, tapi entah mengapa aku pikir lagakku bahkan jauh lebih berani daripada mereka yang katanya tergabung di persma. Entahlah, kesal saja melihat anak-anak persma yang ragu hendak melakukan wawancara dan mengambil gambar di lokasi demonstrasi. Wartawan kok malu-malu.
Oke, bukan itu yang hendak kuceritakan. Tapi aku hendak kembali mengingat pengalaman selama dua hari dua malam di kota orang. Itulah mengapa aku katakan bahwa lelahku belum sepenuhnya hilang. Otot perutku masih seperti agak tertarik seolah-olah aku baru saja melakukan ratusan sit-ups padahal yang kulakukan hanyalah ngambang di atas laut tanpa bisa bergerak kemana-mana.
Mungkin bisa dikatakan hal yang kulakukan bersama lima orang lainnya adalah aktifitas ngebolang. Atau kita bisa menggunakan istilah lain yang lebih keren: backpacker-an. Mengingat kami berenam semua wanita cewe, perjalanan kami ke Banyuwangi terasa agak nekat. Apalagi kami tidak memiliki tempat menginap. Continue reading