Daily Journal #4

I think it’s the fourth. I’m currently watching Mad Dog and working at once. Niihwa’s song hurts(??) me so much even though I don’t know the meaning of the lyric. Haha.

I think I’m starting to imagine things. I took a nap after Maghrib and suddenly I hear Mom’s voice telling me to call Dad. Why do I need to call him? His phone is with me, I thought to myself.

I’m always half asleep when I take a nap (how do I even explain this tsk) so I was like, half alerted. I opened my eyes and then sigh was only thing came out because I realized I’m in Malang, in my boarding house and of course, it’s almost 8 months since Dad passed away.

Om Zaenal, one of Dad’s bestfriends from college also passed away last month. The heartbreaking news was told by another friend of Dad’s. I mean, Om Zaenal just contacted me on July, asking me for Dad’s death certificate.

I’m so confused. My skripsi, my jobs, my future, even I get confused of my own behavior and personality. I know that your relative’s death could affect you greatly. But I think… it’s too much.

There are some things that Mom told me that I need to change: that I need to put more effort in socializing with people, that I can’t be the old me—sitting behind my computer, pretending to have a social life; that I have to more consistent in what I’m doing (actually, I don’t to be told about this), and of course, to get focused on one thing after another. 

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Daily Journal #2

It’s so amazing how much I talk in my social media and still able to talk more in my blog.

So, I was thinking. Well, it’s common—I mean I’m always thinking.

I want to write fanfiction again. 

It’s kind of difficult to start over, especially after 3-4 years hiatus. My mind is kind of stopped, takes a halt for a while. But, yeah. I need to try. I can’t stop dreaming about becoming a proper writer, you know. I mean, someone who really has a master piece. Not merely a daily blog writing.

Anyway, one of the bathrooms smells really bad. I used that bathroom to take a long bath around two hours ago, so it should’ve smelled fresh and good (I used many soap, shampoo, conditioner—anything with fragrance). So I’m a little bit suspicious that one of the tenants, who is in her period, took business there. I noticed that one piece of oil paper used to cover the glueing part(?) of a period pad is left on the floor, unnoticed.

I can’t help but get suspicious to some tenants whom I know have sloppy behavior.

Urgh, sometimes I hate myself for noticing small things like that. If I get a advanced practice and learning, I think I could become a good detective. But for now on, lemme just use this “skill” to judge people.

Mungkin Enam Bulan Sudah

Enam bulan, sayangku.

Tidak. Aku rasa sudah lebih dari enam bulan lamanya sejak aku menginjakkan kaki di Alun-Alun Kota Malang.

Aku menarik napasku, mataku menyapu pemandangan familiar yang setidaknya hingga beberapa bulan lalu masih sering aku kunjungi. Hingga kemudian beliau mengatakan: “Tidak perlu lagi membeli obat dari Malang. Rumah sakit kota kita sudah menyediakan. Dan gratis.”

Saat itu hatiku gembira. Itu artinya beliau tidak perlu lagi menggunakan nebulator ketika menunggu pasokan obat dariku datang. Itu artinya beliau tidak perlu lagi mengirimi uang untuk membeli obat mahal itu di apotek yang kebetulan berada di sekitar alun-alun kota.

Tapi, brengsek, ternyata hal itu tetap saja bukan pertanda bagus.

Memori terakhirku adalah ketika beliau mengirimiku foto obat dengan pesan: “Ini obatnya. Di sini harganya mencapai lebih dari tujuh ratus ribu.”

Aku menahan napas. Oh, God, great, God. Mahal sekali, pikirku saat itu. Tapi jika itu memang bisa membantu beliau sembuh, aku tetap akan berangkat.

Sembuh!

Satu kata yang akan membuatku menertawakan diriku yang sekarang. Mengingatkanku akan diriku yang ceroboh. Dan aku bukan orang yang ceroboh.

Ketika kecerobohanku berulah, maka itu adalah: 1) menginjak ular berbisa yang membuatku dilarikan ke UGD terdekat; 2) memotong sebagian daging di ujung jariku hingga sekujur tanganku menjadi pusat pasi karena kehilangan banyak darah; 2) tidak mencari tahu soal penyakit ayahku yang kemudian berujung ke kematiannya.

Aku masih menyumpahi diriku sendiri hingga sekarang.

Seharusnya aku tahu. Seharusnya aku mencari tahu.

Tapi yang kulakukan hanyalah menjadi anak pertama yang tidak berguna, yang bahkan tidak berada di samping ayahnya ketika beliau memasuki masa-masa kritis.

Brengsek, lagi, sumpahku.

Maka kembalilah aku ke Alun-Alun Kota Malang.

Aku menelan ludahku. Jika saat itu aku tidak bersama temanku, mungkin aku sudah berdiri di pinggir jalan sembari menatap taman besar itu dengan tatapan kosong.

Hingga akhir tahun lalu aku masih sering berada di sana.

“Yun, gimana obatnya?”

“Sudah Yuni kirim lewat kantor pos. Ini Yuni kirimkan resinya ya, Bah.”

Begitulah kira-kira percakapan kami setiap bulan.

Spirivia, Seretide Diskus, Symbicort; tiga obat yang setia aku kirimkan setiap bulan ke rumah demi menahan ganasnya penyakit beliau. Tiga obat yang botolnya tidak akan pernah aku buang sebagai pengingat bahwa aku pernah sebegitu cerobohnya.

Since I Reached My 20s

There are some things I noticed since I reached my 20s:

  • My period is painful. It used to be…just blood. But now I might not even be able to get up from bed. And cold sweat and I become angrier, and angrier. So damn emotional potato.
  • My wisdom tooth finally appeared when I reached 23.
  • The usual-daily headache is gone which made my father got so worried in the past.
  • So does my father.
  • Lactose and beans intolerant. I love both of them :(
  • Sea food intolerant…? I don’t know. I sometimes get headache after eating crabs or squids.
  • So does after eating durians.
  • I’m underweight-y-skinny? My BMI is like, 17.3? Never really thought of that when I was in my teens.
  • Look at those skinny wrists. I could practically feel the bones.
  • Skin care products actually have no effect on my skin, thanks.
  • I can’t really eat heavy meal for breakfast anymore. Bread, boiled eggs, boiled vegetable, or fruits might do.
  • I’m interested in younger guys *runs away*

How about you? Notice anything has changed since you reached your 20s?

Tiga Bulan Sudah: And He Didn’t Look at My Eyes Anymore

If I had the Time-Turner, I’d go back to 15th April 2017, around 2 PM. I’d stay still in the shadow, waiting for his call and then record his voice for the last time. I wouldn’t change the history. I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called me that day. Just a brief conversation, as usual. He asked me about my preparation to move to a new boarding house. I told him I’ll ship the rest of my stuffs (books here and there) home tomorrow on 16th April.

We barely talked a lot, unless it was such an interesting topic. But my Dad always listened when I told him about my jobs. I think it was because he was so glad that, even though I cancelled (or delayed) my plan to take Civil Engineering, I could find my own path I have decided recklessly six years ago. Continue reading

Tiga Bulan Sudah: Those Scenes I Saw in Dramas, It Happened Right Before My Eyes.

Sudah banyak orang yang menunggu di depan ruang ICU. Sepertinya berita bahwa Abah masuk ICU sudah menyebar, termasuk di kalangan teman-teman Abah.

Aku berlari keluar dari lift dan memeluk Mama yang sudah kelihatan lusuh.

“Abah di mana?”

Mama langsung membawaku ke depan pintu ICU dan menunjukkan posisi ranjang Abah. Saat aku mengintip dari kaca ICU, Abah masih bergerak. Ia terus-menerus menggerakkan tubuhnya: ke kanan, ke kiri. Setidaknya ia masih bergerak. Ia masih sadar.

He is fine, right? He is going to be fine, right?

Sekitar pukul sepuluh malam, aku pulang ke rumah menggunakan motor milik tetanggaku. Mama menyuruhku untuk mandi dan membawa beberapa pakaian ke rumah sakit karena sepertinya kami tidak akan pulang hingga beberapa hari ke depan. I got anxious when my Mom said that because I knew very well that my Dad’s condition was… unstable. He was always been unstable since October last year. But I didn’t know that it was much… worse. Continue reading

Tiga Bulan Sudah: I Thought Everything Would Be Okay

Tiga bulan sudah sejak telepon dini hari dari Mama yang memintaku pulang.

Saat itu aku tidak menyangka bahwa kepulanganku tidak akan hanya sekedar satu-dua hari saja, tapi berlanjut hingga tiga bulan kemudian.

Masih segar betul dalam memoriku: sekitar pukul 04.05 WIB Mama menelponku, memberitahuku bahwa Abah masuk ICU. Aku yang saat itu masih setengah sadar karena baru tidur sekitar dua jam setelah lembur, malah kembali menutup mata. Adzan Subuh berkumandang, Mama kembali menelponku bahwa beliau tidak bisa mengirimi uang untuk membeli tiket pesawat dan aku harus mencari biaya sendiri.

Seketika mataku terbuka, walau tidak segar-segar amat. This is serious¸pikirku setelah sadar. Migrain masih bisa kurasakan, akupun langsung mengecek harga tiket dan mencelos melihat harganya. Aku menelan ledah karena memikirkan suatu hal. Pelan, aku mengetik dan mengirimi pesan ke salah satu teman dekatku untuk meminjam sejumlah uang. I swallowed my pride not to borrow money from my friends because it was urgent.

Continue reading